February 2nd, 2012
Each of my children is distinctive and unique. At 9, Erik is the classic first born – good at everything he touches, academically inclined, athletic and responsible. Shane at 8, exhibits many stereotypical middle-child traits: expert mediator, compassionate lover of mankind, 100% likable. His twin sister Ava is strong, intuitive and sassy.
When I think about communicating with my children, I suppose without realizing it, I tailor my messaging for each one based on their personality. When you understand what drives and motivates a person, tailoring your message accordingly keeps misunderstandings to a minimum and helps achieve the desired result. Yes, I’ve definitely spent too much time in corporate America attempting to win friends and influence people. But the principles of Dale Carnegie’s theories are not so far off . . .
When it comes down to it, really listening to children in an effort to understand their heart, feelings and needs is the most caring thing we can do. We all just want to be loved. Kids are simply less filtered in expressing that desire. So they give you fantastic cues about what they need. Erik, as he wrestles with being the self-proclaimed ‘man of the house’, responds best to quiet, private reassurance. Shane, always looking to make sure all is well with the world, craves predictability and gentle encouragement. Ava, with her no-nonsense confidence, prefers I get straight to the point and out of her way.
Of course I’m not always conscious of formulating a message based on the particular child I am speaking with. That would be disingenuous, and it’s my goal to always speak from my authentic heart. My most effective parenting moments however, come when I set aside the homework, sports, meal prep, laundry, etc. to really hear what my kids are saying. Regardless of how I choose to respond, I find the best way I can meet a child’s elementary need for love is simply to listen.
Millie
Tags: communicating with children, feelings, listening to children, parenthood challenges, showing children love
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January 11th, 2012
There’s no question the victim of bullying can be irreparably damaged. In this forum, however, I’d like to look at bullying from the bully’s perspective. What would drive a child to be mean? After all, they are clean slates when they start out. What happens in the mind and heart of the bully that they make the choice to abuse another child?
I don’t believe a bully wakes up one morning and decides to be mean. Bullying is a cry for help by the perpetrator. Whatever has happened in the past, or is currently going on at home, has the bully lashing-out. The bully simply doesn’t have an appropriate outlet for his own strong emotions and the nearest, most vulnerable victim is the target. Misplaced anger is what motivates one child to pick-on another. And so the cycle continues.
Yes, we need to stop bullying at the school and cyber-space level. But to truly be effective in solving the greater problem, we need to get to the kids before the thought of taking their anger out on another even occurs to them. One way to do this is to give them appropriate ways to manage their anger. At our house we stop our feet and run laps around the outside of the house. I’ve heard of other families who do pushups and sit-ups. Once the physical urge is released, we are free to have a dialogue about the emotions underneath.
Bullying is our wake-up call. It’s telling us emotional tools and support are essential to the well-being of our children, of our future.
Love,
Millie
Tags: bullying, emotions, misplaced anger, parenthood challenges, teaching children
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December 27th, 2011
As 2011 comes to a close I’m thinking about how life events that appear as endings are always new beginnings in disguise.
This an important lesson I think to help kids understand – what looks like a sad ending can actually be a fresh start if you are clear about what you have control over and what you do not. Of course you must feel and honor your feelings. But learning to transmute our feelings through our thoughts, words, and behaviors empowers us so we’re not victimized by them.
My 8 year old daughter came home from school 3 weeks ago visibly upset that in her friend’s families, their Dads live with them, but in her family, her Dad does not. “I’m sad and embarrassed, Mommy!” came from Ava’s pouty mouth.
First, I commended her (and Onionhead) for her ability to so beautifully identify and express her feelings. Next, I honored Ava’s feelings by attentively listening to the details and giving her a hug. To help process, I suggesting she write out exactly what was on her mind and in her heart. She wrote a most articulate and sincere letter to her father, explaining how angry she was, how she cries, and how out-of-control she feels over her situation.
Next, on to the job of transmuting her distress . . . . Once we had truly acknowledged and released her negative feelings, we were free to fill the space with positive ones. I asked her what was good about her family. She quickly replied that we’re active, humorous, we read together and she loves her big brothers.
To address her feeling of embarrassment, she and I talked about the make-up of the many families in our neighborhood and she quickly understood that happy families take many shapes and forms, that she was not alone. Then we talked about some reasons she might feel good about her father – he’s a good gardener, funny and he plays cards with her.
She was now feeling positive and empowered instead of sad and victimized by her situation. I’m so pleased to see her developing this mental muscle; a muscle that will help her get control of her feelings. It gets stronger each time she flexes it, and it will see her through all of life’s hard endings.
Ava faces 2012 with great hope and excitement. However, no matter what the New Year brings, she’s developing a life-skill that will help her cope. By honoring and releasing her feelings, then filling the space with gratitude, she makes her own new beginning.
What more could a mother ask for?
Millie
Tags: honor, humble, new beginnings, new year, relationships, truth
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December 20th, 2011
For me, Christmas and Loneliness just don’t go together. We celebrate Christmas like most — good food, presents, friends and family. It’s such a loving, giving happy time. Yet there are so many out there that are not as lucky as I am, and I’m forever grateful for what I have.
At times, I become very lonely because Christmas is very big in my family, and I miss my dad sooooo much. This is why I make sure to spare a thought for those who aren’t so lucky.
-Sharon
Tags: blog, celebrate, christmas, emotions, family, friends, happy, loneliness
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December 19th, 2011
I have to say that it took me a minute to understand the topic this month, Christmas and Loneliness. I have been very fortunate and have never experienced loneliness at Christmas time. I however don’t feel that all kinds of loneliness is bad. Sometimes being alone allows you to grow as a person, see things from another’s point of view, and sometimes it helps you understand something you might not have known without the feeling of loneliness. Sometimes I can be in a huge crowd and still feel that feeling of loneliness. I have learned to embrace the loneliness, have it remind me of all the other wonderful feelings I have and learn from it. Loneliness for me can make me stronger as a person, a wiser person, more humble and more compassionate.
-Regina
Tags: alone, blog, christmas, emotions, holidays, loneliness, onionhead, onionhead blog
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December 16th, 2011
Christmas carols, twinkling lights, the aroma of cinnamon and sugar cookies, TV images of happy families enjoying holiday feasts, the romance of George Bailey. Ahhh, Christmas. Can anything else make you feel more warm and cozy inside? We’re supposed to be loving and sentimental this time of year, aren’t we?
I’m wondering why then, these tell-tale signs of Christmas sometimes have the precise opposite effect. Why, more often than not, when bombarded with a holiday image, aroma or a song, is my response is sheer dread?
Upon further examination, it’s clear that egocentricity has me feeling like I’m not entitled to partake in all this warm Christmasing . I simply don’t measure up to all the pretty glitter that is Christmas.
Well, hmmm. Let’s look at that. The fact is, my reality is not a Hellman’s commercial . . . I’m constantly racing the kids out the door to pageant rehearsal, I curse the whole time I put the lights-up, and our Christmas dinner is far from what the TV would have me believe is going on in all the other homes in my neighborhood.
So what’s the lonely, stubborn pout about? IS my life so different from everyone else’s? Funny how Christmas with all its warmth and cheer can leave us feeling so alone and isolated.
The Christmas miracle is that we have choices! Sure, we can travel down the dark alley of self-pity to arrive at a place of scarcity and lonesomeness. Or, we can focus inward and summon up the humility, strength and courage to embrace the life we’ve been given — without concern for what TV or advertisers suggest it should be. When we travel the path of appreciation for the whole of what our life is, we arrive at love, freedom, warmth – and the Christmas spirit can’t help but thrive here.
There is no magic spouse, lottery ticket or perfectly behaved child that will make Christmas the fantasy we may have in our imaginations. What makes Christmas fantastical is the ability to let go of ego, let go of what false images tell us Christmas should be, and embrace what is: God’s love, a child’s love, family love.
Let go and let love happen. It is a wonderful life – if you make it so.
Millie
Tags: blog, christmas, ego, emotions, god, holiday, miracle, onionhead
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December 12th, 2011
I’m addicted! To those Hallmark channel holiday movies about Santa, angels and romance! I settle in each night and anticipate living vicariously through the fantasies portrayed on the screen. Tears are shed, cookies are eaten and my heart melts like snow.
On the surface, it would seem natural to want to experience these lovely 2 hour vignettes of joy, miracles and love. Or one might even entertain the thought that I had nothing better to do. Well – there’s always something better to do than to watch TV, but this time of year, I have a craving for a certain type of connection – and the Hallmark Channel seems to satisfy it.
Going deeper, just what is it that I really crave? I am truly blessed in my life with family, friends, joyous and generous holidays, and year-round support. Wonder is no stranger to me, and magic pops into my life quite regularly. At Christmastime, however, there is a heightened awareness in my heart, and I yearn for a way to express that fullness in a special way.
I recall a Christmas many years ago when I was going to be alone. My little daughter was to spend the holidays with her dad, and no one else was around. I was feeling the onset of a deep loneliness during the weeks before Christmas, and feeling soooo sorry for myself. There didn’t seem to be any place for the expression of my overflowing heart.
Then – a few days before Christmas – a thought popped into my head that being alone for Christmas was a rare opportunity. I was sparkling as I realized that I could help someone else have a better Christmas. I decided to volunteer to visit patients who were going to be in the hospital on Christmas Day. I got a list of those who had no one to visit them and went out and purchased little presents for each. I was so excited.
Christmas morning arrived with temperatures of 5 degrees below zero. Armed with a holiday songbook and bursting Christmas stockings, I prayed my car would start. Miraculously (and it WAS a miracle), I made it to the hospital. The rest is history as they say. I was greeted by each patient as if I was an angel. None of them knew I would be there, and no matter what their physical condition, they were completely enveloped in the Christmas spirit. We bonded in a way that only heaven can understand. And no – none of them accepted my invitation to sing Christmas Carols with me. And yes – it was and still is – the most loving, magical, fulfilling Christmas I’ve ever had.
These days when my heart feels displaced around Christmas, I seek a venue for its expression – certainly not difficult in these times. As for the Hallmark movies – I won’t be giving them up too soon. They are my blatant indulgence that satisfies my craving for the heartfelt magic of it all.
May your heart have a Happy Christmas,
-Linda
Tags: blog, carols, christmas, emotions, feelings, giving, holidays, lonliness, onionhead, onionhead blog
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August 26th, 2011
It feels really good when I meet my commitments. Commitments can’t be taken lightly. They are our promise, our word and our integrity. Meeting commitments provides a sense of success, progress and accountability. A pattern of meeting commitments also provides the foundation for a “definite-ism” in all things we do.
Definite-ism goes far beyond know how to accomplish some task. It’s more than a high level of confidence. It’s also more than simple optimism. Definite-ism is a knowing that “it will happen”. Our courage, inspiration, passion and mindfulness soar. Decisiveness, determination and drive flow out of definite-ism. Simply put, you are sure of what you are doing. How that needs to be done becomes less significant. Peter Block coined the phrase I love that represents definite-ism: the answer to “how?”… is YES!”
Many of my happiest moments were when I had no clue how to do something, but said “yes”, meant “yes”, and then was determined to meet my commitment. It’s amazing how successful that is.
Just think of the world we would have if more people simply said “YES” more often. I’m not talking about blind, stupid, mindless following. It’s “yes” with a new level of commitment. Holy mackerel would that be fun!
Go say YES to something today and see what happens.
~Lane
Tags: commitment, determination, emotinal learning, living decisively, Living Good, onionhead blog
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August 26th, 2011
I was just rereading the “Keys & Codes to Living Good” material from Onionhead and in there it says that “optimism is belief that it can happen; decisiveness is a knowing that it WILL happen”. Being decisive, it is not being firm so you aren’t seen as “wishy washy”… it isn’t making a snap judgment or decision… it isn’t making all the decisions in the partnership… it is a knowing.
Have you ever known deep in your heart that something was right or wrong for you? This knowing gives you courage and the energy to do something, even though you know it is going to be uncomfortable or even painful. It is knowing that once you are through something, you are going to be on the right path and your Higher-self is singing for joy.
The opposite of decisively is doubtfully. Can you imagine living your life in constant doubt? Wondering “‘what-if” all the time? This to me is the path to not living good. When you transform the “what-ifs” by truly listening to your heart for that deep knowing and then decide in a gentle determination, a commitment to something or someone is bound to happen. This commitment to a path or person creates the sweetness of devotion and loyalty.
Decisively is the final letter in L-I-V-I-N-G G-O-O-D. I hope that these blogs have awakened the desire to live good, to live in happiness. There are new wrkshops coming out on how to live in happiness. If you are deciding to be happy, then check out www.harnessinghappiness.com!
~Lesa
Tags: emotional learning, happiness, life decisions, living decisively, onionhead blog
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August 24th, 2011
Do you know who you are? Could you describe yourself in 25 words or less, so that others would get a good idea of what makes you… well, YOU.
Living decisively is about knowing yourself and playing the role of YOU on the stage of life – not sitting backstage waiting for your ‘cue’ to perform (which may never come). You have to create your own cues which you do by living decisively; that is, by consciously deciding who-what-when-where and how you choose to navigate through life. Your decisions ultimately define who you are.
There are no small decisions. Each one takes you a notch closer to your fuller expression of self – no matter what the outcome. Living decisively fine-tunes and strengthens your imprint in the world. Even deciding not to decide creates a ripple in your cosmic signature – as long as it is a conscious decision and not an unconscious shrug of indifference.
Sometimes we feel as if our back is against the wall. No matter what we decide, a situation does not have the potential to turn out satisfactorily. The anguish we feel is acute in that period of indecision. At times like this, we must be our own heroes and make a decision one way or the other. Once we decide, we can at least go on with life with a long-awaited outbreath of release.
We are not meant to stagnate and play it safe. We are given the gift of life that we may experience a spectrum of challenges and opportunities. Waiting on the sidelines short-changes our potential and deflates our dreams.
Today – at this very moment – we have the choice to be the star in our own life story, or simply twinkle in the background, waiting for the final curtain call. The option – as always – is yours.
~Linda
Tags: emotional learning, life decisions, living decisively, onionhead blog
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