Tag Archives: parenthood

Ping Pong Gratitude

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It’s the time of year when we all start to hear about gratitude.  With Thanksgiving right around the corner, our kids come home from school with gratitude projects – like the always-enlightening “make a list of all the things you’re thankful for”.  (When my son was 4, the thing that topped his list was “my pillow.”  Not his mom, dad, sister, extended family, home, food, even toys – but a pillow!  Who knew one down-alternative-filled headrest could inspire so much love??)

So the kids hear about gratitude in school; we read inspiring stories in the paper about amazing people doing amazing things in the face of amazing odds; Thanksgiving passes; and we all go back to normal.  At best.  With the end of Thanksgiving coinciding with the unofficial start of the holiday shopping season, we sometimes enter December feeling even less grateful than usual.  We’re filled with the “gimmies”, focusing on all that we want for the holidays, all that we don’t have, all that we fear we won’t be able to get.

It’s so easy to fall into this trap in our society.  As a nation, we are incredibly fortunate.  Virtually all of us have access to running water, electricity, grocery stores, schools.  We have a stable, functioning government, the ability to vote our government in and out of office, and the right to complain about all of their actions.  With all the basics taken care of (and taken for granted), we’re free to focus on all that we lack, regardless of how important those lacks are in the grander scheme of things.

When I find myself falling into this “all that I lack” mindset, I think back to something I learned from Warren Buffett.  Yes, that Warren Buffett.  Turns out that one of the richest men in the world has a clever litmus test to keep things in perspective.  He came to speak at our school, and asked us to imagine that each of our lives was represented by a ping pong ball that had been spit out by the cosmic lottery machine.  Were we willing to put our ball back into the machine and take whatever was spit out in its place?

Put that way, the choice was clear – and the answer was clearer.  Not one person in that crowd of several hundred was willing to take that risk.

As for me?  I took that lesson to heart.  My husband and I actually mounted two ping pong balls in a shadow box and put it up in our house.  Every time I feel like I’m lacking – in material possessions, in time, in sleep (perpetually in sleep!) – I take myself over to those ping pong balls and remind myself of how truly lucky I am.

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Denial is not a river in Egypt

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Denial is not a river in Egypt. How often have we heard that phrase? Probably over and over again all through our childhood. Could we be in denial of denial? I can think of so many reasons why someone might be in a state of denial, and none of them are helpful. I felt I needed to really look at this response so I can help my son with it. If I’m not in touch with it, how can he be?

At first I remembered when I was a kid, my sister and I thought if we just kept denying, we would never get a “punishment”.  What I didn’t realize then was that we give ourselves our own punishment by denying, and carrying a burden of “untruth” on our shoulders. Might not sound like a big deal at first, but it’s those untruths that eat away at us when we can’t sleep, or when a relationship is in trouble and there is denial behind the difficulty.  I think denial is like a river, which never stops running, and becomes more turbulent at some times than others.

How much lighter our burden would be and how much better we would sleep if we just “fessed up” all the time. There would be no secrets, nothing to cover up, wouldn’t have to remember what story was said to whom (which gets trickier as we get older when our memory’s not so great).

And we’re adults. How do we explain to our kids? Come clean, life is so much better. Admit we’re not perfect.  If we can’t manage to overcome denial, how can we help our kids? There are so many little incidents in the past that I wish I had come clean about. I can’t believe sometimes, so many years later, I’ll recall some childhood wrongdoing that was never revealed. I don’t want my son to be carrying these small burdens, which if allowed to become a habit, over time becomes a heavy weight.

We have to be the example of this for our kids, and take the time to explain the faults of denial.  If we’ve done something, we’ve done it.  We can’t paddle backwards now against the current, can’t go back in time and undo it. But we also don’t have to drown.  We can take responsibility for our actions with the intention to do better in the future, and then move on, clean and light and free.

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Teaching Moments Discovered

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After reading Pam’s entry the first thing I thought of was, “Wow, she caught the teaching moment in her son’s joke that is amazing!”  I don’t think I would have caught that in the “Da Nile” joke, I really have to pay more attention.  She is so right; there are teaching moments around us all day long.  Not only do the kids provide us these opportunities but so do our coworkers, friends and family.  It is up to us to pick them out and then to not allow them to pass.

It would have been easy for Pam to laugh and move on to the next joke but to take the TIME to stop and explain to her son what denial is which also allowed her to see how denial has affected her life was the true gift and teaching moment for them both!

Life is full of teaching moments, both for ourselves to grow and for us to help others and I think a lot of times life’s busyness gets in the way and we don’t take the few minutes that could really make a huge difference.  So slow down, and see the gifts in every day and don’t let the teaching moments pass you by!

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Navigating the River

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Suddenly I’m living in joke-land. My son has hit that phase that every child seems to go through – he’s discovered the magic of jokes, and of making people laugh, and he has a built-in audience at home. So every day he comes downstairs with something new.

It’s actually been a lot of fun getting reacquainted with these jokes (they’re new to him, but not to anyone over 10). Yesterday I was treated to this one:

“We can’t be in Da Nile because we’re not in Egypt!”

The richest thing about the whole experience was having to explain the concept of “denial” to an 8-year old. He knows the word, so got the joke on that level, but had no idea what it meant to be “in denial”. Talking about it with him made me think about my own relationship with denial – it’s a river I’m personally acquainted with.

I grew up thinking of denial in the context of self-denial and “doing what’s right”. In that light, denial was something virtuous – I denied myself the extra brownie, sparing the pounds – good for me! I denied that I was feeling angry, sparing a scene – great self control!

Hmmm. Something about that just doesn’t feel right.

I’ve come to realize two things about denial. First, there’s a power in how I choose to look at things. Rather than coming at it thinking that I’m missing something – like that extra brownie – I can celebrate the fact that I’m making a choice to do something that’s good for myself. I’m choosing long-term good over short-term pleasure, and there’s nothing limiting about that.

Secondly, no good can ever come of denying our emotions. So I’d leave a situation without causing a scene. But did that do anything to resolve the issue? No. Did it make me feel better in the long term? No. Did it cause me to really, really want to eat that extra brownie (therapy through sweets)? Yes, yes and yes!

When I acknowledge my feelings, I give myself the chance to change them. When I share my true thoughts, I’m honoring my relationship with the person I’m speaking with – and giving them the respect of unvarnished honesty. Once again, it means I’m choosing long-term good over short-term thinking, and there’s nothing limiting about that.

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Halloween Retrospective

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My son says his favorite “holiday” is Halloween. I guess on one hand I shouldn’t be surprised, because kids love candy, and we don’t generally have candy in our house. Yet I still wondered, better than the toys at Christmas or Hanukkah?

I think there are many components to Halloween that appeal to kids (of all ages). Dressing up, taking on personas other than our own, family traditions like picking pumpkins and carving them, connecting with friends and neighbors when trick-or-treating  that normally we don’t make the time for. And, yes, candy! My son loves sorting and finding the special pieces more than eating it. I remember enjoying that, too. But I think as my son is getting older, he is feeling more independent. No, he does not go out without an adult, but the adult sort of lags behind, giving the kids some space to be themselves and have fun.

Halloween poses some interesting things to deal with as a parent, like keeping them from having too much candy, and not allowing a costume that is too violent, bloody, scary, or “sexy”. It takes real conviction that we are doing the right thing, and patience to hold the line when they don’t understand our decisions. It’s certainly more work for us to stand by our decisions than to give in. There’s the feeling that we are “spoiling the fun”.  This extends out into many other areas. It’s not only inappropriate costumes, but video games, movies, internet access and cell phones.  And not just candy, but lots of other unhealthy food and beverage choices. Holding to these principles takes the practice of delayed gratification, since our kids will not appreciate this till later in their lives!

I try to remind myself that I am creating a foundation for my child, hopefully with a balance of fun and necessary restraint.  Both of which are important now and for his future. I may not wind up being the perfect parent (is there such a thing?) but I can certainly try to do what is within my power.  Whether they know it or not, they are depending on us to keep them safe and happy and healthy through the decisions we make on their behalf.

I think Halloween winds up being a very good exercise for everyone, and a basic example of the balancing act that is life. Finding that balance, sharing with our children our reasoning behind our decisions, empowering them with understanding, allowing them to experience compromise and acceptance, and finding a way to still make it completely fun and positive, a way to connect and cherish each other. Hmm…..I guess Halloween really is a pretty good holiday.

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Halloween Joy

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I am so not a Halloween person.  I never enjoyed dressing up, probably because I was a chunky kid and I remember running away from eggs and shaving cream!  My feelings about Halloween have changed since my 3 boys are at the ages to really enjoy it.  They are always so excited for Halloween.  As soon as we get through the back to school craze, it is right into deciding about costumes.  They love looking through the costume books and they go through about 10 costumes before they make their final decision, this year, Mario, a pirate and a king.

They love to help me decorate the house, another thing I never did till they asked for it.  We hang up pumpkins and witches and ghosts, buy candy and carve pumpkins.  I finally get to enjoy Halloween through their eyes.

They are so excited when the day finally arrives and it is time to trick or treat.  They always think very big and that they will be able to go trick-o-treating for hours.  We started this year about 4 o’clock since we had to go to 2 flag football games.  Before we even reached 5 o’clock I already had one saying he was tired and had enough.  We pushed through till 5:30 and they had such a fun day.

I had so many laughs, from seeing my 6 year old dressed as a pirate with a hat that more resembled a hat worn during the Revolutionary War then by a pirate and seeing them go up to the doors and stand so close that the homeowners could not even open the door to give them candy.  The day also warmed my heart, my 9 year old holding hands the whole time with our good friend’s 4 year old to help him and seeing the smiling faces of the older homeowners as they watch the boys say trick o’ treat and thank you.

I had a wonderful day and felt so lucky and blessed to have such great kids. They told me it was, “The best Halloween ever!,” and already started talking about next year’s  costumes, the pirate now wants to be Wolverine.  Funniest part of it all is that none of them are very excited about the candy.  They each had one piece that night and one piece the next night and I’ll probably bring the rest to work.  The happiness and joy just comes from the day and doing something special together, with their family and friends and neighborhood.  So I am a Halloween convert, now it is  a family day I cherish!

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Halloween in Hindsight

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I’ve been looking at Halloween candy in my local stores since August, and Halloween decorations in my neighborhood since mid-September, so it’s hard to believe the holiday is actually over.  I was beginning to think that orange and black vinyl were just permanent parts of the decorating landscape!

But over it is, and I realize that this year, for me, Halloween was more than just a fun holiday.  More than a opportunity to take pictures of the kids in their outfits (a black cat and a mad scientist).  More than a chance to consume entirely unhealthy amounts of chocolate (always chocolate, never candy – we must have our limits!) in one sitting.

It dawned on me during this seemingly endless Halloween season that, at least for me, something was amiss.

It began when I took my first trip to the costume store, and was blown away by the R-rated options for children who want to dress up as black cats.  Or anything else.   Who first decided it was ok to market “sexy” costumes to young girls?  Who first thought it would be cute for children to wear “saucy” skirts and fishnet stockings?  And – more importantly – why were parents buying these outfits for their kids?

Parents seem to be in such a rush to have children grow up.  We have patience through the cute-and-squishy toddler phase, but after that, it seems like our patience often runs thin.  We want to resume the life we want to live – and, to do that, it’s sometimes more convenient to bring the kids along, regardless of whether they’re developmentally ready.   And it’s easy to rationalize.  We want to spend time with our kids, and we want to see a certain movie – let’s bring them along and spend time together, regardless of the fact that it exposes them to things beyond their emotional level.

We face these choices every day, and with limited time, we often opt for the multi-tasking answer – do the adult activity, but do it together with our children.  And before we know it, we have young children modeling teenage behavior and wearing “sexy” ladybug costumes – without even understanding their choices.

So what’s the solution?  For me, it works to remember that I can’t have it both ways.  While it’s often easier to treat children as mini-adults then it is to honor their actual emotional age, it’s important to interact with them on their developmental level.  That means that, more often than I’d like, my tastes and choices are put on the back burner when I’m spending time with the children.  But it seems like a very small price to pay to allow them to grow into their adulthood naturally.  And in the meantime, there’s always the DVR!

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